when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
