ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize