420 ftw
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
You need Xanax blowdarts
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
