At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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