im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
