hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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