i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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