Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
