How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
