Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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