I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
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