On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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