sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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