the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Randomize
