I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
