God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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