I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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