he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
