Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
