my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
