apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Randomize
