i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
