How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
