I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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