Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Randomize
