Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
