how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
we're so committed to being not committed
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
