There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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