wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
