afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
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