I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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