i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
did i walk over a car last night?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
