Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
