first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
