The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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