Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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