so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
