all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
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