if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
