Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I need to align my fucking chakras
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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