I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
