At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
