Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Randomize
