yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
