I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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