I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
