I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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