Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize