You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
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