I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
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