ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
lets start a swedish sibling band together
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
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