I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
