the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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