My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
