my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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