Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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