There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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