dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
