I think my vagina is haunted
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize
