maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Randomize
