Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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