I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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